Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Not just a mom?

I am more than a mom, right?

I remember when I was pregnant with my now 13 year old. I was 25 years old and almost 6 months pregnant that Christmas. I was also still newly married (we divorced after 10 years together in 2001 and he actually passed away unexpectedly in July 2008 at the age of 38).

My husband(at the time) bought me a Christmas present. Looking back, I know he had the best of intentions but it was not at all a gift I expected OR wanted. He gave me a foot spa. You know, one of those things that you put water in and plug it in and put your feet in. It was because my feet were getting so swollen and sore with the pregnancy. I didn't mean to seem ungrateful but I really felt like being pregnant that I was somehow losing the person I was before I was pregnant.

Don't get me wrong here, I was ecstatic about being pregnant and couldn't wait to be a mom but there were still things I wanted to do with my life someday. I was ready to put dreams on hold of course, which I did, however, I couldn't help feeling like everyone I knew was now only looking at me as a 'mom'. Not that this was wrong necessarily but I really wanted to be MORE than a mom. Plus I was still only 25 and really kind of wanted something romantic from my husband, little did I know that most men are not as romantic as us women would like without a little help from us! I just still wanted him to look at me like I was sexy and 25.

Now, I am remarried for almost 6 years and have a 3 year old too. I will be 40 this week and let me tell you that having a teenager and a toddler makes me truly feel my age. I still want to be more than a mom on the inside but I know that on the outside, I look like a mom, I talk like a mom and I react like a mom. I felt much more beautiful when I was pregnant with my now 3 year old. I was 10 years older than the first time I was pregnant and knew more about what to expect.

My 13 year old's friends look at me and call me Mrs..... That truly makes me feel old but I also know that it goes with the territory of being an adult, something which I am whether or not I feel like an adult on the inside or not...we all still have the kid in us deep down.

So I guess I am trying to find myself again. The person who could still dream and make it happen instead of dreaming and thinking it's too late. Age is just a number after all or at least that is what I have heard since I turned 30 and now again that I am turning 40. It is not a barrier for keeping us from things we still feel in our hearts that we would like to do. Who says that a 40 year old mom of 2 can't do something else or better yet, something brand spanking new and unexpected by everyone who knows her.

I guess at 40, I know more of who I am but am still trying to find my 'place' in the world. Am I making sense? Not sure. I'm a mom, true. I am also a wife and a daughter but I am also a woman. But a mom most importantly.

When my kids are fully grown and leave me to make a life of their own, I will have to be more than a mom, like it or not because I know I will be lucky if they call me or answer the phone when I call to check on them 10 times a day! I will want them to come home and visit often because I know that our family dinner table will not be the same unless they are sitting there with my husband and me. So when I am forced to be more than a mom at that time, I will still be expecting them to say to me, "Mom, I'm coming over, what's for dinner?"

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  1. Say it loud, I'M MORE THAN A MOM! Say it again! I got married and had my first child really young, 22, while still in college. My original plan was to graduate, which I did, but move to New York for this fabulous career in magazine journalism after that. It didn't quite work out that way. But after 7 years of doing just mommy and not doing me, I set out on a mission not to let mommyness conquer me. Best thing I ever did and I'm a better mommy for it. :)